Relationship Success
Having an intimate, loving relationship is among the most important desires for many people, and when couples experience relationship distress, it can cloud nearly every minute of the day. Couples can have difficulties for numerous reasons, but most involve one of a few basic categories, and research has revealed that a simple ratio predicts relationship success.
The Underlying Key to Relationship Success
According to extensive scientific research, the difference between happy and unhappy relationships is reflected in the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict.
The “magic ratio” or “Gottman Ratio” (named after Dr. John Gottman), is 5 to 1, which means that stable and happy relationships tend to have 5 or more positive interactions to balance out every negative interaction during conflict.
Understanding the 5 to 1 Ratio
Common examples of negative interactions during conflict include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Some examples of positive interactions include nonjudgmental listening, showing genuine interest in one another, validating one another’s perspectives, and expressions that convey acceptance, empathy, fondness, admiration, affection, or gratitude.
One critical takeaway from Dr. Gottman’s research is that negative interactions have a large impact on relationships, so much so that 5 positive interactions are required to balance out every 1 negative interaction. This is not to say that conflict should be avoided, as the majority of marriages will encounter significant conflict at times. Rather, conflict needs to be managed effectively in order for most relationships to remain stable and successful over the years.
Below you’ll find information and helpful strategies for helping to enhance relationship success. These strategies can be particularly helpful when dealing with relationship conflict, and improving your ratio of positive to negative interactions. Also, if you’re interested in learning more about Dr. Gottman’s research and his specific advice for improving relationships, click here for a link to his popular book entitled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Arguments
Key Point: Recurring arguments are very common in close relationships, and do not have to be a problem when handled well.
Recurring arguments can become a problem when partners begin to blame their partner over the disagreements, or assume that their partner is behaving intentionally hurtful. Strategies for effective communication are discussed below (in the Communication Strategies Part I and Communication Strategies Part II: A Formula for Communication sections).
Differences in Preferences
Key Point: People can differ widely in how much time they want to spend together, how much intimacy they prefer, how much excitement and novelty they desire, how they want to manage their finances, and so on. It would be unrealistic to expect any two people be closely matched on all of these important dimensions, but couples sometimes experience conflict when the differences are viewed as defects in the other partner.
For example, Sharon likes to go out several times a month with friends for live music or drinks, while Mark prefers to have quiet nights at home, reading or watching movies. Neither preference is wrong, but conflict can emerge if Sharon accuses Mark of being boring; or Mark asks Sharon why she can’t enjoy a quiet night at home.
Communication Differences
Differences in communication style can be problematic as well. In the “demand-withdraw” pattern, one partner tries to raise an issue for discussion—a problem they want to solve, a behavior they want their partner to change, or some other difficult subject. The other partner finds this uncomfortable and wants to postpone or otherwise avoid the subject. This prompts the first partner to become more insistent, demanding that they discuss the issue; while the other withdraws even more, sometimes by physically leaving the room or house.
Key Point: The demand-withdraw pattern can be especially harmful to relationships, as it leaves both partners feeling frustrated and mistreated by their partner.
The section on Communication Skills below describes a strategy for resolving this problem.
Polarizing
Key Point: Another problem that can erode relationship satisfaction is Polarizing: In the heat of an argument, there is a tendency for partners to polarize—to state their case more firmly, more emphatically (including more loudly), and to dismiss and belittle the position of their partner, who they may begin to view as their opponent.
Closely related is the problem of blaming, denigrating, or labeling the partner negatively during conflict. Couples who disagree will sometimes use negative, hurtful terms toward their partner. They often feel justified in doing so because they perceive the other as being deliberately hurtful toward them, or behaving irrationally, or otherwise being worthy of criticism.
Attributions
Many of the relationship-harming patterns described above are often driven by Negative Attributions that partners unintentionally make about one another.
Key Point: Attributions are ways of explaining the behaviors of another person.
For example, if Gary sees that his wife has not arrived home at 6:00 pm as she planned, and it is now 7:00 pm, he could experience a number of different emotions. If he thinks, “She may have been in an accident,” he would feel worried. If he instead thinks, “She probably went out with her friends for drinks and didn’t have the courtesy to call me,” he would feel frustrated or angry; and if he thinks, “She stayed late at work because she really cares about supporting our family,” he would feel grateful or proud of her. Although the situation in each example is the same—not arriving home on time—the emotional responses are very different because the attributions about the event are different. We make attributions automatically many times each day. However, we often fail to realize that the attribution we make is only one of many possible attributions, and that it may not be at all accurate. Negative attributions may occur so readily that more positive attributions do not emerge: “He doesn’t want to go out to dinner because he’s selfish” (instead of because he is tired); “She is spending too much money on family vacations because she is irresponsible” (rather than attributing her actions to wanting to create cherished family memories for their children). A pattern of negative attributions about one’s partner’s behaviors can result in an unrealistically negative view of the partner, and can erode the harmony and support that most people seek in relationships.
Quick Tip: Simply recognizing that attributions are made all the time can allow us to step back, notice the attribution we are making, and then consider alternative, more benign attributions.
If you find yourself getting angry or hurt by something your partner said, pause and reflect about what attribution you may have made. Ask yourself, “what is another way of looking at the situation?” You may find that several possible neutral or positive attributions may come to mind, and this can help to defuse the more negative, automatic response that led to anger or hurt.
Fortunately, there are a number of effective strategies that can be used to improve and enhance your relationship.
Relationship Success
Communication Strategies Part I
Above all other techniques, learning and practicing effective communication skills is a powerful way to address many of these problems. With solid communication skills under your belt, you and your partner can work through some of the other issues that may have created difficulties in your relationship.
One of the best techniques for effective communication is called the “Speaker-Listener” technique. Described by relationship researchers Howard Markman and Scott Stanley in their “Fighting for your Marriage” book and video program, this technique involves designating a time for discussing a topic, and having one person start as the “Speaker,” signified by holding an object in the hand. (The authors actually have their clients use a tile, to signify who “has the floor”.) The couple picks only one topic at a time to discuss until that has been resolved. The Speaker expresses his or her point of view, generally using “I” statements, such as “I would like for X to happen.” After each sentence or two, the Listener paraphrases or summarizes what the Speaker has said, without disputing the statement and without expressing any strong emotion.
Key Point: The purpose of the Speaker-Listener technique is to ensure that the Speaker feels accurately understood, and that the Listener has paid careful attention to the Speaker’s statements, instead of formulating a rebuttal or otherwise disagreeing.
After the Speaker has had the opportunity to express one or two points, the roles reverse; the Listener takes the object and becomes the Speaker, and then expresses his or her thoughts.
The Speaker-Listener exercise is finished once both parties feel understood after expressing their point of view, and clearly understand their partner’s point of view.
Key Point: Although this technique may feel somewhat formal and artificial, it is in fact the structure of the technique that helps to prevent a difference of opinion from turning into an angry argument.
In addition, having a clear and complete understanding of your partner’s perspective—their concerns, their interpretations, and their wishes—can significantly deepen the sense of intimacy and connection. This is further strengthened by feeling that your partner deeply understands you.
Communication Strategies Part II: A Formula for Communicating
Key Point: Another useful strategy for communication that is often used in the Speaker-Listener technique involves a sort of formula for making statements: “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.” The strength of this method is that it eliminates the personal criticisms, labeling, and fault-finding that can turn a difference of opinion into a bitter argument.
When Rochelle is late picking up Greg to meet friends for dinner, he might say, “You are so inconsiderate!” This type of statement, conveying a serious character flaw in Rochelle, is harmful in many ways: it hurts Rochelle emotionally; it causes her to feel angry toward Gary and to resent him. It also triggers a defensive response in Rochelle: “I am not inconsiderate! Don’t you remember those times that I ?” Gary’s statement set in motion a cascade of relationship-harming thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and created a set of negative emotions about each other and the relationship that, if repeated, could harm the relationships.
What if Gary had instead said, “When you are late in picking me up for a scheduled event, I feel frustrated.” This sentence expresses accurately and concisely Gary’s emotional reaction, but does so in a way that does not attack Rochelle’s character or thoughtfulness, or otherwise attempt to insult or denigrate her. Instead, this statement focuses on a specific behavior—being late—rather than Rochelle as a person. Such a statement does not provoke defensiveness, because the statement is about only a specific behavior in a specific situation. Further, the statement does not imply rightness or wrongness—Gary simply states the emotion he was feeling—frustration– in response to the behavior. Rochelle can disagree about whether she herself would feel frustrated in a similar situation, but she cannot really disagree with Gary’s statement that he felt a particular emotion.
Acceptance Strategies
Key Point: One important and powerful realization that couples may experience through communication practice is that they can disagree with each other and still maintain deep love, affection, and intimacy.
The relationship researcher Dr. Neil Jacobson described how, after couples abandoned their recurrent pattern of trying to “win” arguments or change their partner’s behavior, the experienced both a sense of relief and deepened closeness with their partner. The introduction of Acceptance as an alternative or complement to traditional Change-based strategies, has had great success in enhancing relationship intimacy and improving relationship quality. As partners mindfully and intentionally let go of their struggle to “fix” the other, the recurrent sense of frustration, anger, disappointment, or hopelessness tends to fade.
Key Point: With intentional practice, one can develop a mindset of seeking to notice, value, and appreciate the unique pattern of characteristics in one’s partner, noticing them and experiencing them without needing to judge them, correct them, or assign any negative labels.
This perspective is related to mindfulness-based approaches, which have shown to be very helpful in stress management, emotion regulation, and other wellness-related areas. At the same time, many couples struggle with persistent issues that are painful and have no easy solution.
Quick Tip: Dr. Jacobson proposed a formula that can help to guide couples coping with relationship difficulties: “Pain plus accusation equals marital discord; pain minus accusation equals acceptance.”
Self-Monitoring Strategies
Quick Tip: One of the most helpful strategies for any form of behavior change is the regular monitoring and recording of the target behavior.
In his book “Triggers,” Marshall Goldsmith recommends rating yourself on a 1-10 scale at the end of each day in terms of success at pursuing your goals. For relationship enhancement, you might try goals such as, “Did I do my best to make my partner feel appreciated?” or “Did I do my best to strengthen our relationship?” Printing out four weeks of these daily questions and completing them honestly at the end of each day can help to remind you daily what you are working toward, and can serve as a prompt for better behavior if you realize that you are earning low marks for these target behaviors. To jump start improvement in your behavior, you could rate yourself on these goals every hour instead of at the end of the day. If your partner is also motivated to work on relationship enhancement, both of you could start tracking daily or hourly questions at the same time, reinforce each other’s efforts, and notice your improvements together over time.
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