Family Support
INTRODUCTION
Your career as a first responder may affect your family members in ways that a regular desk job would not. You may have shift work or an irregular schedule that doesn’t allow your family to see you when they would like. Your family may worry about your safety, and may be distressed by news events that involve your agency. Many first responders develop very close bonds with their work partners, and family members may feel as though they are competing for your attention. In addition, traumatic events that you encounter on the job can have a lasting effect. Bringing the impact of these events home with you can affect the ways that you interact with family members, such as being withdrawn or irritable. First responders are also at increased risk for using alcohol or other substances to cope with difficult emotions, and this can affect family relationships.
As you can see, keeping family relationships close and harmonious can be challenging when you work as a first responder. We will first look at some important areas to consider in your home life, and then describe some strategies for supporting your family members and maintaining good relationships.
CONFLICTING DEMANDS
If you feel that you have a variable or demanding work schedule, it is very likely that your family members are affected by your schedule as well. They may feel your absence at the dinner table, family get-togethers, or social events. Given the importance of your work, it is not helpful for you to criticize yourself for these absences. Even less helpful would be for the competing demands of work and family to cause resentment or criticism among family members. It may be useful for you to check in with family members to ask what they think of your schedule. It can be helpful simply to acknowledge that they might feel left out, or might wish that you could attend activities with them more often. In discussing this, you can frame the situation in terms of both of you wanting to be together, highlighting how much you care for each other. You can then frame your difficult scheduling as a shared cost—what you give up in your crucial role as a first responder—but also the contribution that your family member makes, in supporting you being away from home so that you can help keep the community safe. A shared discussion like this with family members can deepen your relationship by communicating your desire to be with them even when you can’t always do so; and can help develop a sense of a shared purpose in your role as first responder.
MANAGING DIFFICULT EMOTIONS
The daily hassles and stressors of work can cause feelings of irritability, frustration, discouragement, and cynicism. In addition, the more severe traumatic stressors that first responders experience can lead to intrusive memories of events, difficulty sleeping, feelings of detachment or disconnection from others, feelings of being on edge and watchful, and other negative emotions. These difficult emotions can easily affect those around you. Family members may wonder why you seem irritated or quick to anger. They may feel excluded, if you find yourself disengaging and becoming isolated. If you find yourself carrying around negative emotions such as these, take this as a signal first to check in with yourself, identifying how long these emotions have been present and what events or thoughts may have triggered them. Next, check in with your family members to see if they have noticed your difficult emotions, and how they may have been affected. For example, if you have been irritable, they may have thought that they had done something wrong; while if you have been disengaged, they may have thought that you no longer enjoy being with them. It can be helpful to clarify with them that you have been having some difficult emotions because of events at work, and reinforce to them the strength of your love and commitment to them. You can also explain to them how you will be taking steps to manage these emotions more effectively—and then be sure to follow through. You can refer to our articles on Stress Management, Relationship Success, Anger Management, and Mindfulness for many useful strategies.
SAFETY CONCERNS
Your family members will likely be concerned about your safety on the job, but they may become especially worried if they see news reports about injuries or fatalities involving first responders, particularly if it is your agency that is involved. However, even when the first responders are in another city or state, the fact that first responders in the same line of work as you can heighten their concern about your safety. You can help your family members cope with this by asking directly if they have been having concerns. You can ease their concerns by talking about the ways that you are trained and equipped to stay safe on the job, and highlighting the ways that your training and your procedures are designed to ensure your safety. Additionally, more detailed guidance for reassuring your children about safety concerns can be found in the article entitled Recommendations for Law Enforcement on Supporting Children Who Fear For Your Safety.
FITNESS
You can do your family a big favor by ensuring that you follow a fitness routine that keeps you fit and healthy. Maintaining a healthy weight and great cardiovascular fitness will make you much less likely to fall victim to medical conditions such as hypertension, diabetes, stroke, or heart disease. Although busy first responders in a stressful job may prefer to do something fun on their time off, it is important to ensure that you set aside enough time for brisk walking, jogging, cycling, or other cardiovascular exercise at least several times per week, if not daily. Your family will be able to feel more secure about your safety if they know that you are keeping yourself fit and healthy. In addition, it is well known that regular exercise affects our mood, so that you and your family can enjoy the side benefit of an exercise routine as you will likely be happier, calmer, and less stressed.
TRAUMA AND STRESS
Being exposed to scenes involving loss of life, serious injuries, or harm to yourself or your fellow first responders can have a significant emotional impact, and may affect the ways that you think and behave. This may occur for just a day after two right after the event, or may start to surface weeks or months later, especially if you have had been at a number of difficult scenes.
It is only human for you to be affected by these experiences, and it can be helpful for you and your family to take stock after these experiences, and check in on your mood and your thinking. Some people feel numb or detached after these experiences, while others feel super-alert and on guard. Some find it more difficult to trust others, and may start feeling cynical. Sleep can be affected, especially if there are upsetting nightmares about the event. If you notice these changes occurring, you can get help addressing these problems by contacting a high-quality mental health professional specializing in the treatment of trauma. Your agency may have an EAP established with specialists available, or may be able to refer you to local specialists. Either way, getting help in addressing the effects of trauma exposure can help you to keep it from affecting your relationship with your family members, and can help you to maintain healthy and connected relationships with your loved ones. For additional information on these topics, please see the three articles entitled Critical Incidents, Trauma, and PTSD.
ALCOHOL
Although moderate alcohol use is generally not a cause for concern, the stressors of the job may lead to alcohol intake that can begin to take a toll on family relationships. If you find yourself repeatedly drinking more than intended, felt guilty about your drinking, or did things while drinking that you wouldn’t normally do, it is important to take a look at whether alcohol use is becoming a problem.
There is no shortage of stories about the harm that alcohol abuse can cause to families, and so ensuring that you have a handle on your own drinking is vital for keeping your family relationships nurturing and supportive. If you are concerned about your alcohol use, take a look at our article on Alcohol. The article includes questions about your alcohol use, as well as suggestions for ways to take charge of your alcohol use so that you can be at your best with your family and on the job.
RELATIONSHIP SUCCESS
Your loved ones can be a source of great support and enjoyment. It is important to tend to these relationships and nurture them, so that the demands of a stressful job don’t keep you from deepening and enriching your relationships with your loved ones. When you are off work and have had time to decompress and unwind, consider spending some focused time with those you care about—your spouse, partner, children, or friends. In doing so, try setting aside screens and other distractions, and bring yourself completely into the interaction. Try to bring these intentions: Connect, Appreciate, Engage. See if you can take in and appreciate the person as they are, noticing what is great about that person, and letting yourself feel a shared connection in those moments. Often, simply being fully present, listening attentively and sharing genuinely with loved ones provides a rewarding and deepening experience. For more information on enhancing your relationships, see our article on Relationship Success.
SUMMARY
The demands of first responder careers can make it difficult to devote as much time and attention as you might like to family and loved ones. The strategies described above can be very effective in helping you to maintain close, supportive, and harmonious relationships with the important people in your life. While most of these strategies require just a small amount of time and effort, the improvements that result from them can be significant. For many, relationships with loved ones are amongst the most important areas of their lives, and investing time and effort in maintaining, strengthening, and deepening these relationships is of the utmost importance.
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